Re: Why We Can't

Hi kea, Thank you for your thoughtful response. I would like to reply to some of your points. "my take is that the greatest danger isn't of an adult re-evaluating (or having re-evaluated for her) a childhood sexual adventure, but the danger of the radically changed perspective confronting her as a child, while the events are still current or recent." I believe that a girl's feelings change slowly, over time, but that when she hits puberty,(still a legal child) she sees things from a totally different perspective. Childhood sexuality, as I have said many times, is one of play, fun, adventure, and receiving attention. Once puberty begins (and this is a process, not an event), she begins to have more adult thoughts about sex and relationships, along with the morality she now associates with these factors. As she becomes more mature, she is also in the process of becoming a full fledged member of the greater society. Like most people, she wants to fit in, and will naturally adopt the moral codes of, first her peer group, and later society in general. Like the rest of society, she is bombarded with the "Sexual activity with children is always abuse" message that most of those around her believe. Of course, I do not mean to suggest that ALL girls (or boys) will grow up and turn on their childhood lovers. But, if there is a strong possibility of this happening, then I must reiterate two words in my subject line: We Can't. "Love means never having to say you're sorry." "to be honest, i think a child who has a genuinely affectionate sexual experience with an older person is unlikely to feel bad about it later unless other factors come into play, such as guilt and shame, and these have their origin in social attitudes, not in the sexual acts themselves." I think we all know that other factors do in fact come into play, guilt and shame being two of them. Another, as you mentioned, is social attitudes, which, in large part, causes the other two. "Abuse" is the message that she, and everyone else, hears over and over again. How many times does she have to hear it before she begins to believe that this is what happened to her? It is a natural progression: 1) A man I trusted did (fill in the blank) to/with me when I was seven. 2) Adults who do that with children are pedophiles. 4) Pedophiles are perverts who abuse children sexually. 5)I was abused. But, the most damning factor of all is the "Dirty Little Secret", for it is the other factor that causes shame, self doubt, and guilt. If it was so harmless, why does she have to keep it from Mom and Dad? Why can't she share it with her friends, tell about it in school at show and tell, and initiate sexual behavior with other children? Having to keep something that is considered more taboo than any other a secret creates anxiety, lingering, festering doubts, and eventually, the older she gets, a feeling that she WAS abused. "it's like a guide taking a neophyte climber into the mountains; he has a responsibility to shield his client from risks like avalanches or rockfall that the client is not expert enough to judge for himself. the guide is not responsible for the rockfall, but he does have a duty of care to his client all the same." I agree with this example. A child is a neophyte in matters sexual and because of this it is up to the adult to keep her safe. Given all the perils of the "mountain", the unspeakable possibilities for grave emotional damage, caused not by the act itself, but by "other factors", it is the responsibility of the adult to keep her off this mountain. Thank you again for your response kea. As usual, you have given much food for thought. 28